It has recently come to my attention that the World Wide Web is not just a place for normal people like us who have it for conventional use. Other activities are being participated in by an altered breed of human being, which would not be considered habitual by sane members of our society. Yes, folks, there are weirdos on the net.
No no, weirdo is an understatement. A weirdo would be someone you see on the train, rocking back and forth, staring at a single point, drooling with messed up hair and short track pants.
And remnants of dried tomato sauce on his shirt.
On the INTERNET, however, there is an infestation of maggots who like to use their time to search for other maggots who will engage in their grotesque rituals. What are these rituals you speak of Damith?
Uttering the name makes my penis invert.
WTF X 99999^99999
To those of you who are staring at the screen, not understanding what I am talking about; I will take the time to explain to you.
(By the way, you must be living under a rock which is enclosed by an internet slang proof fence to not know what cybersex is).
Cybersex: Where two people engage in sexual intercourse over the internet.
How do they do that over the internet?
They WRITE what is happening.
‘I slowly pull down your panties…’
^Shit like that.
Weird, though. Even though he said he was pulling down her panties, they are still on her. Oh yeahhhhhhh, because he is NOWHERE NEAR HER.
First of all, you have to find yourself in a public chat room. Which makes you a loser. Who the fuck wants to talk to people they don’t know? Nobody does it in real life.
You don’t walk up to some motherfucker on street while on your daily route and pause and say:
‘Hi, whats your name?’
If you do, its because you are a 4 year old child. Thats the only excuse. Go find your mummy.
Back to the public chat room. Lets be hypothetical here. Just say you accidentally stumbled upon a public chat room whilst innocently surfing the internet. Your mouse suddenly stops working, so you cannot close the window.
Also, the alt key and F4 key jam, so keyboard shortcuts are deemed useless too.
You are stuck in the chat room, with no means of escape.
Uh – Oh.
Somebody just privately messaged you.
Using the screen name ‘Hotstuff_24’, they open dialogue with the words:
ASL = AGE, SEX, LOCATION?
Also, statistics show that in 90% of conversations, the words ‘Do you want to cyber?’ follow immediately after ‘ASL?’.
Congratulations, you are about to have internet sex with this motherfucker.
I also used my unmatchable hacking skills to have a look at this mans top Google search request:
Hotstuff_24 – ‘Wanna cyberrrr?’
Again, being hypothetical, you try to say ‘No’ but you slip and the most unfortunate of typing errors appear on the screen.
You – ‘Yeah, babe. I would love to.’
OH SHIZZZIT DAWWG! YOU IS COVERED IN DIRT NOW MUTHAFUCKAAAAAA!!
And so follows one of the worst conversations you have ever had.
You lose your online innocence to a random.
Congratulations, you are mediocre.
Cybersex is the epitome of disgust.
It must be stopped, because it is surely contributing towards global warming.
Kids in Africa starve because of cybersex.
There is no cure, but I have found a man who is singlehandedly ridding the internet of these cyber freaks. He is like a human version of Dettol.
His name is:
You see, I stumbled upon some funny cybersex chat logs while surfing.
bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don’t see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don’t f*ck with me bitch, I’m the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don’t ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik’s evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it’s getting hard now.
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I’m ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em… Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I’m gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something
Funny how BritneySpears14 called BloodNinja a Fuck up. LOL @ irony.
BloodNinja has been scouring the Web, 0wning one freak at a time. He is a legend, a hero.
He is better Chuck Norris. The source of inspiration for many.
And so comes the end of this post.
If you are a self confessed Cybersex freak, fear not, there IS a cure. It looks somewhat like this: