‘Heyyy.. Wanna Cyber?’ … ‘Bitch, Please.’

It has recently come to my attention that the World Wide Web is not just a place for normal people like us who have it for conventional use. Other activities are being participated in by an altered breed of human being, which would not be considered habitual by sane members of our society. Yes, folks, there are weirdos on the net.
What???
Weirdos?
Net?
Folks??

No no, weirdo is an understatement. A weirdo would be someone you see on the train, rocking back and forth, staring at a single point, drooling with messed up hair and short track pants.
And remnants of dried tomato sauce on his shirt.

On the INTERNET, however, there is an infestation of maggots who like to use their time to search for other maggots who will engage in their grotesque rituals. What are these rituals you speak of Damith?

Uttering the name makes my penis invert.

…Cybersex

OMFG WTF
WTF
WTF
WTF X 99999^99999

To those of you who are staring at the screen, not understanding what I am talking about; I will take the time to explain to you.
(By the way, you must be living under a rock which is enclosed by an internet slang proof fence to not know what cybersex is).

Cybersex: Where two people engage in sexual intercourse over the internet.

How do they do that over the internet?
They WRITE what is happening.
What.
The.
Fuck.

‘I slowly pull down your panties…’

^Shit like that.

Weird, though. Even though he said he was pulling down her panties, they are still on her. Oh yeahhhhhhh, because he is NOWHERE NEAR HER.

First of all, you have to find yourself in a public chat room. Which makes you a loser. Who the fuck wants to talk to people they don’t know? Nobody does it in real life.
You don’t walk up to some motherfucker on street while on your daily route and pause and say:

‘Hi, whats your name?’

If you do, its because you are a 4 year old child. Thats the only excuse. Go find your mummy.

Back to the public chat room. Lets be hypothetical here. Just say you accidentally stumbled upon a public chat room whilst innocently surfing the internet. Your mouse suddenly stops working, so you cannot close the window.
Also, the alt key and F4 key jam, so keyboard shortcuts are deemed useless too.

You are stuck in the chat room, with no means of escape.

Uh – Oh.
Somebody just privately messaged you.

Using the screen name ‘Hotstuff_24′, they open dialogue with the words:

‘Heyyyy ASL?’

Oh shit.
ASL = AGE, SEX, LOCATION?

Since I a magician, I am able to create a flux in space time, and use the void to have a peep at who just messaged you. Above is a picture of him. Hotstuff_24.
Hot.
…Yes.

Also, statistics show that in 90% of conversations, the words ‘Do you want to cyber?’ follow immediately after ‘ASL?’.

Congratulations, you are about to have internet sex with this motherfucker.

I also used my unmatchable hacking skills to have a look at this mans top Google search request:

You are dealing with the typical internet geek bitch fag.

Hotstuff_24 – ‘Wanna cyberrrr?’

Again, being hypothetical, you try to say ‘No’ but you slip and the most unfortunate of typing errors appear on the screen.

You – ‘Yeah, babe. I would love to.’

OH SHIZZZIT DAWWG! YOU IS COVERED IN DIRT NOW MUTHAFUCKAAAAAA!!

And so follows one of the worst conversations you have ever had.
You lose your online innocence to a random.

Congratulations, you are mediocre.

Cybersex is the epitome of disgust.
It must be stopped, because it is surely contributing towards global warming.
Kids in Africa starve because of cybersex.

There is no cure, but I have found a man who is singlehandedly ridding the internet of these cyber freaks. He is like a human version of Dettol.

His name is:

BloodNinja.

You see, I stumbled upon some funny cybersex chat logs while surfing.

^Stumbled laaawwwll

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey…
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don’t see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don’t f*ck with me bitch, I’m the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don’t ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik’s evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it’s getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

Episode 2:

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I’m ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em… Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I’m gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

Funny how BritneySpears14 called BloodNinja a Fuck up. LOL @ irony.

BloodNinja has been scouring the Web, 0wning one freak at a time. He is a legend, a hero.
He is better Chuck Norris. The source of inspiration for many.

And so comes the end of this post.
If you are a self confessed Cybersex freak, fear not, there IS a cure. It looks somewhat like this:

Until next time, STFU n00b.

Damith > Yo Moder

I am a fkn magician.

I will fkn confuse you, you confused bitch. Cards will come out of your fkn ass if when I show you magic.

Blogging > Other means of communication. Because its in WRITING.
Everything is better in writing. Why?
Because you can have proper arguments, and get your points across without annoying bitches interrupting you while trying to talk. With their stupid ‘omgggg if I talk LOUDER, I’m winning the debate!’ theory.
News flash, you down syndromed retards, no matter how much you yell at the screen; the words will remain there.

I’m going to begin with FOBS. Fuck I hate them.
See anyone can hate somebody. But FOBS deserve a new level of hate. Like concentration camp style hate.

Here is an example of typical FOB behaviour:

Last week, I went to a typical curry dinner. All good. No problems as of yet.
In walks a FOB girl. How can one automatically come to the conclusion that a person is a member of the FOB species by only looking at them?
The retard walked in like she was fkn Chamillionaire.
Seriously, one of the most annoying things about FOBS is their walk. Wtf? Who the fuck thinks its cool to walk like they have 3 kilos of sand in their underwear? Oh yeah, FOBS.

She sits down, and we start eating. Somehow, the topic of conversation rolled over to religion. She was a Muslim, and I believe in science and things that are real. I don’t have anything against the Muslim myth, but we started to argue.

I wrecked her multiple times.

But not because I was actually finding flaws in the story that she was telling me, but it seemed that I knew more about her religion than she did. She was one of those idiots that go around saying shit like:

‘Likkkeee my religionnnn is totalllyyyy better than yourrsss cosss ummm… we have a god and umm… yeah!’

Idiot, if you’re going to debate about shit like that, make sure you at least know your subject.
Anyway, back to the story:

After wrecking her for the 52nd time, I did a little victory dance which composed of me holding my hands up towards her, crossing one finger over another in a ‘gangsta’ fashion. Many non FOBS do this, because it is funny.

The baby is kindly providing an example of the sign I made with my hand ^

Unfortunately, this joke was lost in translation.

She gave me the most SYMPATHETIC look. This is an extract of the conversation that followed:

FOB girl: ‘Oh my God, do you even KNOW what that means?’ (Intense Curry accent)

Me: …

FOB girl: ‘Do you want me to TEACH you about West Side and East Side?’

Me: ‘Bitch, please.’

My anger nearly forced me to stab her in the throat with the fork that was in my quivering hand.
The bitch actually felt SORRY for me. Because I was not HIP enough to know about her GANGS.

I attempted to explain to this excuse for a human being that what she thinks is cool is actually quite UNCOOL in our society.
I failed miserably.

She ended up thinking I was some sort of geek.
She even had the audacity to inform me that G – Unit are the best.

FOB Girl: ‘G – Unit are the best.’

Me: ‘Dude, all they rap about is bling bling and bitches and hoes and grillzzz and dough. They have no meaning in their lyrics. I like music with meaning.’


I hate myself for even wasting my time, because this fool would not BACK UP. She was getting all up in my face dawg.

That is one, ONE of the reasons why I, and many other people want FOBS to die horrible deaths.
If you don’t hate them already, you are a FOB. Get the fuck off my blog you FOB fuck. Go and rap battle your neighbour, you imbecilic whore. I hate you and your ignorance. You are not cool, you are a target of hatred and in some cases, sympathy. Leave this country and prosper where you belong, back in your homeland. Fkn FOB whore.

Damith 0wns you.